Roller Coasters

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Hi. This is my first blog and I want to make it something readers would enjoy. So, I decided to take a real moment in my life and turn it into art. By art I mean something that was processed and written so others can appreciate and maybe relate to it. I always wanted to start my own blog page. Why not start now.

Here goes. For a little background, for the past few days I’ve been considering whether or not I should continue a relationship. Yes, it’s one of those situations. We’ve been going together for about three years now but I feel like there’s this big boulder inside of the road to progress.

I must admit, this boulder seems to disappear at times. I’ll try to explain. Have you ever enjoyed a roller coaster ride, fully? Like, was it fun from start to finish? Or was there fear or falling or failing mechanics that distracted you from feeling that it (the ride) will not last forever. Hopefully you’ve been on a roller coaster before. But that fear is the fear of the unknown. You ask yourself; Will this fall apart? Will I die? Will I get whip-lashed? Why is this so high? Will I fall out of this seat when we turn over? These are questions any self-respecting rookie roller coaster rider will ask themselves. Sensible onlooker would simply ask, “Why did you even put yourself in that situation?” When it comes to relationships, I think the same kind of feelings apply.

We often jump into relationships (roller coasters) assuming sex will be the roller coaster and relationship problems to go by quickly like the sharp turns that roller coasters make. We never expect the negative feeling to linger. Especially if these feelings have transferred from past experiences and relationships. I’ve learned that as long as we don’t fact the facts of life, we will never make true progress. We were in a conversation when a feeling dawned upon me. I was like, “This person is telling me who she is and how much she is not the kind of woman I’m looking for to be in my life while I’m setting my mind for a really long term relationship with her.” Sharp turn or stupid decision?

As that thought and other feelings surfaced grew stronger, I started to remember moments when I overlooked signs that let me know a boulder was ahead. But like any dude “lost in the sauce”, I ignored it. I assumed sex was the roller coaster that kept the fears in place. After a while I could not process what was happening, so I acted like a grown man would and just ceased all communication. I withdrew myself to think. We all need to think. Thinking saves lives and relationships. So I saved myself some unnecessary stress.

What did I think about you may ask? Well, I meditated on a simple question, “What makes sense?” I interrogated myself. I strongly believe that if a man can’t say what he wants, with strength, then he will always be a boy that’s told what he needs. As I continued the heart to heart with myself I realized something important. The discovery was that I changed. Not even for the better or worse, but I was a completely withdrawn and demotivated person. I lost my fire. I was disappointed in myself.

As a man, there are some things we cannot and will not say. Because we don’t know what to say. Yes, we can tell you what we feel (or try to) but you won’t get the meaning behind the words. We don’t say those things (heart thoughts) because we will be misunderstood in any means. Even if you feel otherwise, you won’t get it until you feel it.
These days, to explain yourself is a form of weakness. It is also a prelude to disrespect plus it does not make sense. Usually, I ask the right questions to provoke genuine responses. Sometimes you have to play the devil to see God in the situation. You have to be smooth about it. Women don’t like men that explain themselves. Men don’t respect other men that always explain themselves, unless it’s a situation where one holds power over the next.

It’s always complicated when you move from the world of logic into the world of emotions. I’m really big on logic so what happens is that I try to explain how I feel and it either comes out really clear and blunt or I sound like two rats fighting for the last cheese. (“ntr2947tr0efhqefuwe”)

Honesty goes a long way. Truth is, we can’t explain what we don’t understand. If we’re not honest or emotionally intelligent enough to admit how we truly feel about others, then what are we saying? The way they react and respond to us in the moment is to be captured. Don’t forget what the people closest to you say when they’re angry. Don’t lose out on your moment of truth. Those moments that remind us to respect who we are and pass it on to those worthy of it.

I can’t say that I’m at the end of my deliberations, although it feels that way. I pray for guidance from God. I pray for things to make sense. What does make sense to me is that I have a sense of peace when I ‘m together with my thoughts. Yet, there’s something that I can’t pray about because I don’t really understand it fully yet. It may be safe to say that I either don’t know what I want or I’m in between settling for what I have with a fear of not knowing what I can get. Remember the roller coaster? The thing about roller coasters is that you have to wait until they come to a complete stop to get out.

Sitting here listening to Kendrick Lamar, I kind of get it why musicians tend to make sense a lot of the time. The rhythm of the music makes it easy to express yourself, it’s easy to get lost in beat or other instrumentals. Its fearful to get lost inside of a relationship. It’s not about marriage or sex. It’s a bout connecting with someone that completes you. It’s about finding that person that can see you at your worse buy inspire you to do your best.

I know this was a bit all over the place (this is my first blog, lol), but the main theme here is, don’t lose control of your emotions. What keeps them in line is by you not settling for what you have when you know you can do better. If you settle, you may have a few great moments followed by depressing moments in your me-time. There’s no respect in that. Never lose focus on the person you want to become, not even in the name of love. I’ll try to document my journey through this roller coaster. In the meantime, I’ll try to find what I want.

Adrian Wildgoose

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3 thoughts on “Roller Coasters

  1. I’ve never been on an actual roller coaster but I’ve been on the emotional/relational one and I’ve learned that once you feel peace about your decision then it’s the right one🙂 very brave Wildgoose.

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  2. I’ve always admired your determination to better yourself and I’m so happy to see this continue. It takes such courage to really look deeply at yourself, at your faults and your strengths, to really honor the wisdom you hold and recognize where there’s still work to be done. And then to share it with the world is truly a gift. I hope that you never stop the process of self exploration and I’m so glad that you’re documenting it so that even from all the way in California I can still get glimpses of your journey. Sending you big hugs!

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